I’m home now and transitioning back nicely. Yesterday I was all excited about all the different things I was going to get done and all the new practices I was going to start using. Today I was sitting in my car in the driveway and fantasizing about sitting on the couch and doing nothing but watching TV all day (while eating large quantities of chocolate and cookies.) Yesterday I had to force myself to slow down. Today I didn’t want to even get started.
I panicked ever so slightly.
I spent a lot of energy beating myself up for that. I finally came to the decision that I’d trust that it served some purpose, even if I couldn’t yet see what it was. Something needed time to brew in my subconscious, something that needed lots (and lots) of time.
It’s still hard to justify the time I spent with House (no matter how adorable Hugh Laurie is) and part of me is really scared of slipping into that “wasted time” again. So, here is my whole being saying that I just want to sit and veg out. If I were on retreat I’d trust myself and follow what I was being told. If I were on retreat I’d do it, but I’m not.
I sat in the driveway fighting myself and then…I stopped. It struck me that maybe, if the time watching House had served a purpose, then maybe the craving for downtime now had a purpose, too. And like a flash it occurred to me that of course I needed down time – I had just experienced all this new learning! My brain and my heart and my soul wanted time to process it! It made sense. Perfect sense.
So, I watched TV and journaled and let go of everything else.
At our lovely little retreat center in Oregon we had drawn an imaginary line around ourselves and retreated from the world. We built a time and space for ourselves to slow down and connect at a much deeper level, not only with each other and ourselves but with Spirit, too – and our own Higher Knowing.
Jen posed a question to all of us post-retreat: “What are you missing about being on retreat?” I miss the way I trusted myself. I miss the way trusting myself was the first response. “Trust that this is what you need…even when it feels crazy and off base. Trust that you know what is in your own best interest…even when it makes no sense.” Because I was right every time.
During the retreat I was in sacred space and that’s what being in sacred space does – it allows me to connect to the deep well of knowing that I only have access to in the quiet and slow time that is sacred space. I do miss that, a lot.