by Deborah Globus
| Yesterday, a friend and I were talking about our businesses and she said how impressed she was by my productivity of late. Suddenly, I felt a little weight on my heart – just a pebble, but there it was. A little fear. The question that makes me quake, the one I usually spend enormous amounts of energy suppressing, crept into my mind: Yes, I’m productive now but what if I can’t keep it up? What if it all slips away…again? |  |
The “again.”
I have so much experience with that again.
I lose the thread; I don’t live up to goals I’ve set for myself. I become unproductive after a period of productivity. And not the ebb and flow that’s natural after a period of productivity. Most times it’s been an all stop.
I’ve got a lot of experience in all stop.
What I have very little experience with is:
But that experience is growing and that allows me to look at this little pebble on my heart in a different light.
I can ask: “What does this little pebble need?”
It needs to not be denied or pushed back into the shadows where it will grow into a full grown worry rock, debilitating and energy-draining.
But it doesn’t feel right to coddle it, either. Give it too much (too much attention, too much thought, too much love) and it’ll grow, getting out of perspective.
It needs to be contained; held. Nothing too cushy – no velvet-lined box. This time a simple glass bowl will do.
I have so much experience with that again.
I lose the thread; I don’t live up to goals I’ve set for myself. I become unproductive after a period of productivity. And not the ebb and flow that’s natural after a period of productivity. Most times it’s been an all stop.
I’ve got a lot of experience in all stop.
What I have very little experience with is:
- follow through
- continuity
- constancy
- sustainability
But that experience is growing and that allows me to look at this little pebble on my heart in a different light.
I can ask: “What does this little pebble need?”
It needs to not be denied or pushed back into the shadows where it will grow into a full grown worry rock, debilitating and energy-draining.
But it doesn’t feel right to coddle it, either. Give it too much (too much attention, too much thought, too much love) and it’ll grow, getting out of perspective.
It needs to be contained; held. Nothing too cushy – no velvet-lined box. This time a simple glass bowl will do.
I’ve put it on my altar, a safe place where I can keep an eye on it. From there I can notice if it grows or shrinks. I can notice what effect it has on me, how it influences me and the ways in which that influence sneaks up on me in other forms. I can remember it’s there instead of startled when, in being ignored it, shouts at me. I can be mindful of it without being consumed by it.
And perhaps most importantly, I can get on with my work and living up to the goals I’ve set for myself, while still knowing that I’ve effectively addressed the pebble on my heart.
And perhaps most importantly, I can get on with my work and living up to the goals I’ve set for myself, while still knowing that I’ve effectively addressed the pebble on my heart.
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